Saturday, December 9, 2006

What's a Stable?

Every Christmas morning a father would read his kids the nativity story out of the family bible.

When his son was old enough to talk, he asked the father what a stable was.

He thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."

The Politically Correct Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses.

THREE deconstructionist poets

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration.

NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer the calling birds, French hens and partridge, have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands.

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans.

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression.

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping.

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Yule or Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

You know you may have picked a bad Christmas tree if...

It's two feet tall and fourteen feet wide.

The salesman's opening line is, "You're not a cop, are you?"

It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers poked into it.

Each branch is mark with a "Dura-flame" label.

It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.

Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

Knock Knock

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
There Snow business like show business!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithful!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rudolph
Rudolph who?
Money is the Rudolph all evil!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

Christmas Humor

It's that time of year! You've got to post your best!

Here are some good ones!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts!"

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: missile toe!

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a Christmas gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: It had forty feet of track - all straight!

Q: What kind of bird is most likely to send you a Christmas card?
A: A PEN-guin.

Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: What did the ghosts sing to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it "soots" him!

Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.

Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
A: "Olive" the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

Q: What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.

Friday, December 1, 2006

How to Enjoy Christmas Parties

It's the CHRISTMAS season. That time of the year when we celebrate the birth of Jesus. During this time all the stops are pulled out and we celebrate with some of the best food in the largest quantities.

Here are some good pointers for those of us who will be attending Christmas Parties during the next few weeks.

1. Avoid veggie trays. Anyone who puts carrots on a Christmas buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's a rare treat. In fact, you can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? The Creme de la Creme of Christmas food. Eat a lot of it.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Sunday Sermons


*Preaching Assistant*


A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.

"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"

"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."

*Published Sermons*

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published."

The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."

"Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

Lobster Tails

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"
"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "they're really big!"
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.
"They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,
"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."