Every Christmas morning a father would read his kids the nativity story out of the family bible.
When his son was old enough to talk, he asked the father what a stable was.
He thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses.
THREE deconstructionist poets
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration.
NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer the calling birds, French hens and partridge, have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands.
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans.
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression.
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Yule or Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
It's two feet tall and fourteen feet wide.
The salesman's opening line is, "You're not a cop, are you?"
It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers poked into it.
Each branch is mark with a "Dura-flame" label.
It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
There Snow business like show business!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithful!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rudolph
Rudolph who?
Money is the Rudolph all evil!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
It's that time of year! You've got to post your best!
Here are some good ones!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts!"
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: missile toe!
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a Christmas gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: It had forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird is most likely to send you a Christmas card?
A: A PEN-guin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts sing to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it "soots" him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
A: "Olive" the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
Q: What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
It's the CHRISTMAS season. That time of the year when we celebrate the birth of Jesus. During this time all the stops are pulled out and we celebrate with some of the best food in the largest quantities.
Here are some good pointers for those of us who will be attending Christmas Parties during the next few weeks.
1. Avoid veggie trays. Anyone who puts carrots on a Christmas buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's a rare treat. In fact, you can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? The Creme de la Creme of Christmas food. Eat a lot of it.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
*Preaching Assistant*
A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."
*Published Sermons*
After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published."
The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."
"Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"
"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "they're really big!"
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.
"They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,
"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."
A lady went into the pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, "I want to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! Murder's against the law! I'd lose my license! They'd throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! I will not sell you cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband entering a motel room with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Bags
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
*******
They may be late but they're funny. Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving!
Q. What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A. If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Q. What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?
A. The Butter Ball
Q. How does a Turkey drink her wine?
A. In a gobble-let
Q. Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A. The outside!
Q. What is the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner?
A. The tur-key!
Q. How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
A. I'll tell you at Christmas.
* * * * * * *
The Turkey
The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
And partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
It totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
There wasn't a way I could stop it,
That turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.
* * * * * * *
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up! I'm starvin’!!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Sid.
Sid who?
Sid down. It's time to eat!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Phillip.
Phillip who?
Phillip a big plate and dig in!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Phyllis.
Phyllis who?
Phyllis plate up too!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita nother napkin.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Alma.
Alma who?
Alma dinner's gone. May I have dessert?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda piece of pecan pie?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!
* * * * * * *
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
* * * * * *
Q: What do you call a pickle you buy at a great price?
A: A sweet Dill!
Q: Should you ever eat pickles on an empty stomach?
A: Yes, but it's better to eat 'em off a plate!
Q: What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and green?
A: Three zebras fighting over a pickle!
Q: What's purple and goes slam slam?
A: A foreign sports plum.
Q: What's green and wears a mask?
A: The Lone Pickle!
Q: What is purple and swims in the sea?
A: Moby Grape!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A: An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Q: How do you know that a banjo player invented the tooth brush?
A: If anyone else had invented it, it would be called a teeth brush.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
Thanks to Angela for this one. It's really funny.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
Q: What is the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
A: If you don't know you should stop talking to your pickle!
Q. Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
A. Because it was in a pickle!
Q: What do you call a pickle who is a bad loser?
A: A sour pickle!
Q. What is green and dangerous?
A. A thundering herd of pickles!
Q. What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A. A trop-pickle fish!
Q: What do you call a frozen pickle hanging from the roof?
A: An Icepickle!
Q. What is green and pecks on trees?
A. Woody Wood Pickle!
Stupid Questions
These supposedly appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune and are
from court transcripts.
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender tells the ducks that his bar doesn't serve grapes.
The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.
The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck, very nervously thanks him and leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartenders says, “no.”
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
A. Open door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
A: Open door and remove elephant.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A: An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q: What's green and sings rock and roll?
A: Elvis Parsley.
Q: What's red and white and goes pockety pockety BANG pockety BANG pockety pockety pockety sputter sputter BANGITY BANGITY BANG BANG sputter pockety POP POW pockety ockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety
A: An outboard raddish.
Q: What's the difference between a pickle and an elephant?
A: Elephants are grey.
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A sunburned zebra.
Q: What's black & white & black & white & black & white & black & white & blue?
A: A zebra falling down stairs.
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
