Wanna buy a frog?

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender thought about it and agreed. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny rat and a tiny piano. The rat stretched, cracked his knuckles and began playing the blues.

After the man finished his drink he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

Thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first he agreed. He reached into another pocket and pulled out a small bullfrog and the frog started singing while the rat played.

While the man was enjoying his beverages a stranger offered him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"No," the man replied, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increased the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

"No," he insisted, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increased the offer to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agreed and turned the frog over to the stranger for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

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Exercise

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Pets

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing. He might just be in a coma."

The vet rolled his eyes and left the room, returning a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 per cent certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$350!" she cried. "$350 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40, but what with the lab report and the cat scan-"

One more...

A man goes into a bar with his little Jack Russell terrier. He puts the dog on the bar stool next to him. The bartender wanders over and the man says, "I'll have a pot thanks, mate." The dog says, "I'll have the same."

The bartender does a double- take and looks over to the dog and asks, "Did you just talk?"

"Yep," says the dog. "My God! That's incredible. This is unreal. Who would have thought? A talking dog! Right here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog."

The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner.

"Yeah, you could say it's been a journey. I trained for a while with the US Marines. Saw a bit of action in Iraq - can't tell you more. I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I've written a few best-selling novels in my spare time. That was good fun. Of course, there have been film offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song. All that."

The bartender is now purple with excitement. He turns to the man. "We could make a fortune. We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk. How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?"

"About $10." the man replies.

"Why only $10 - that's madness!" exclaims the bartender.

The man answers, "He's a liar. He hasn't done half those things."

Newcomer to Court

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Meeting Invitation

A woman was telling a friend about my enrollment in a weight-loss program and how excited she was about the meetings.

"Sounds great," she said. "I'm almost tempted to join too."

"Well, next time I go," I replied, "I'll take you along."

"Okay," my friend responded, and then she asked, "Do they serve refreshments?"

Computer Problem

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I asked, “So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

Knowing I’d appear stupid I asked anyway. “An ID ten T Error? What's that?”

Harold grinned, “Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

”No, I haven’t!”

”Write it down. I think you'll figure it out.”

So I did.

I D

1 0

T

ID 10 T

I used to like Harold.

Chicken Farming

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

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Ponderables

Why do...

drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet Coke?

banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless unk in the garage?

why hot dogs come in packages of ten and buns come in packages of eight?

we use the word politics? It works so well. Poli is Latin for many and tics is English for a bloodsucking insect.

they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering


Do you ever wonder...

why the sun lightens hair and darkens skin?

why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

why the headlines never say "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

why abbreviated is such a long word?

why doctors call what they do practice?

why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor and dish soap uses real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

why apartments are so close together?

if con is the opposite of pro is congress the opposite of progress?

if flying is so safe why is the airport called the terminal?

Musician Jokes?

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music. Shortly after midnight the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great. Everybody loves you. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play? The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner and the trombone player says, "Sure, we'd love to. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here?"

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None...they just steal somebody else's light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Two guys were walking down the street. One was broke and the other was a musician, too.

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

Imponderable ponderables

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If somebody asks a penny for your thoughts and you give them your two cents worth where does the left over penny go?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did the cured ham have?

How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they slept like a baby? Babies wake up every two hours.

If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie but you're ON TV?

Why do people go to the top of tall buildings, put money in binoculars and look at things on the ground?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that nobody will eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut why can't he fix the hole in a boat?

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that junk from ACME why didn't he just buy dinner?

Corn oil is made from corn and olive oil is made from olives. What is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? So how come when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

Murphy's Laws

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

You will always find something in the last place you look.

No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

The other line always moves faster.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.

If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

These are sooo Bad

If it weren't for one liners and puns there would be no one liners and puns. Don

Here they are...

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools do they take debate?

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Are thieves who steal corn from a garden charged with stalking?

We'll never run out of math teachers because they multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? Hint: It's a dead giveaway.

A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two tired.

If a poet writes backwards is it inverse?

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

Are You Musical?

Beans, Beans the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot the better you feel,
Eat lots of beans with every meal!

Lesser Known Laws

You've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law

How to Place New Employees in the Organization...

I'd like to thank Angela for this really funny piece but she had nothing to do with it...

Place 400 bricks in a room. Gather the new employees, put them in the room and close the door. After 6 hours open the door and note your findings then use the following criteria for the proper job placement.

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.

If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

If they say they have thought of different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.

If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, put them in top management.

If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, let them go immediately. Under no circumstances should you hire politicians.

Advertising Terms Explained

Have you ever wondered what advertisers and manufacturers mean by the descriptive terms they use? Well, here's what they mean.

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

Facts You Didn't Know

Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Musicians and Some Ponderables

A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"

His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?

"No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet."

* * * * * * *
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in what happens to the other penny?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

* * * * * * *