Musician Jokes?

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music. Shortly after midnight the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great. Everybody loves you. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play? The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner and the trombone player says, "Sure, we'd love to. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here?"

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None...they just steal somebody else's light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Two guys were walking down the street. One was broke and the other was a musician, too.

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

Imponderable ponderables

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If somebody asks a penny for your thoughts and you give them your two cents worth where does the left over penny go?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did the cured ham have?

How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they slept like a baby? Babies wake up every two hours.

If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie but you're ON TV?

Why do people go to the top of tall buildings, put money in binoculars and look at things on the ground?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that nobody will eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut why can't he fix the hole in a boat?

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that junk from ACME why didn't he just buy dinner?

Corn oil is made from corn and olive oil is made from olives. What is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? So how come when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

Murphy's Laws

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

You will always find something in the last place you look.

No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

The other line always moves faster.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.

If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

These are sooo Bad

If it weren't for one liners and puns there would be no one liners and puns. Don

Here they are...

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools do they take debate?

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Are thieves who steal corn from a garden charged with stalking?

We'll never run out of math teachers because they multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? Hint: It's a dead giveaway.

A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two tired.

If a poet writes backwards is it inverse?

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

Are You Musical?

Beans, Beans the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot the better you feel,
Eat lots of beans with every meal!

Lesser Known Laws

You've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law

How to Place New Employees in the Organization...

I'd like to thank Angela for this really funny piece but she had nothing to do with it...

Place 400 bricks in a room. Gather the new employees, put them in the room and close the door. After 6 hours open the door and note your findings then use the following criteria for the proper job placement.

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.

If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

If they say they have thought of different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.

If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, put them in top management.

If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, let them go immediately. Under no circumstances should you hire politicians.