Riddles

What is brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
"Unique" up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
"Tame" way.

What do you call a defective boomerang?
A stick.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH.

What do you call a deer with no eye?
No ideer.

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than
the other?
There are more geese on that side.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.

Why does Tigger smell bad?
He's always playing with pooh.

What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job?
They needed a guy of better caliber.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?
Three pieces of alligator.

What has four legs and is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
A pool table.

Palindrones

Pals slap

Racecar

Radar

Rat-star

So I dare to Ned, Denote radios

A Danish custard--drat such sin, Ada

Sunday Church Signs and Bulletins

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning:
“Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Shrewd Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE

Palindromes!

A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!

A nut for a jar of tuna.

Zeus sees Suez.

Knits stink!

Dad, alas, a salad ad!

War-distended nets I draw.

Ed aced a decade!

Pa stole macadamia nut, tuna. I'm Ada, Camelot sap

The Eloquence of Shakespear

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Great Quotes

I envy University Professors. They are paid to question people who know nothing but try very hard to say something, while I have to question people who know everything but do their utmost to say nothing at all.
Piercamillo Davigo, Italian Judge investigating corrupt politicians

It is not who votes that counts, but who counts the votes.
Josif Stalin

Married men live longer than single men, but they are a lot more willing to die.
Unknown

The reason why people appear bright until you hear them speak is that light travels faster than sound.
Unknown

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Milton Berle

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Billy Wilder

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made. Groucho Marx