One Liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

You might be a Redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minute Maid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned
that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule. When weeding, the best way to make
sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant
is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it
is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there?
I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car
ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Riddles

What is brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
"Unique" up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
"Tame" way.

What do you call a defective boomerang?
A stick.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH.

What do you call a deer with no eye?
No ideer.

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than
the other?
There are more geese on that side.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.

Why does Tigger smell bad?
He's always playing with pooh.

What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job?
They needed a guy of better caliber.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?
Three pieces of alligator.

What has four legs and is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
A pool table.

Palindrones

Pals slap

Racecar

Radar

Rat-star

So I dare to Ned, Denote radios

A Danish custard--drat such sin, Ada

Sunday Church Signs and Bulletins

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning:
“Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Shrewd Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE

Palindromes!

A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!

A nut for a jar of tuna.

Zeus sees Suez.

Knits stink!

Dad, alas, a salad ad!

War-distended nets I draw.

Ed aced a decade!

Pa stole macadamia nut, tuna. I'm Ada, Camelot sap

The Eloquence of Shakespear

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Great Quotes

I envy University Professors. They are paid to question people who know nothing but try very hard to say something, while I have to question people who know everything but do their utmost to say nothing at all.
Piercamillo Davigo, Italian Judge investigating corrupt politicians

It is not who votes that counts, but who counts the votes.
Josif Stalin

Married men live longer than single men, but they are a lot more willing to die.
Unknown

The reason why people appear bright until you hear them speak is that light travels faster than sound.
Unknown

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Milton Berle

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Billy Wilder

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made. Groucho Marx

In the Work Place

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

_______________________________________________

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."

The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

Bass Player Offenses

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MINOR OFFENSES - ALL PLAYERS

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb
[ ]Playing written-out walking line
[ ]Failure to play written walking line
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo
[ ]Blacking out during ballad
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo
[ ]Following drummer's tempo
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me

MINOR OFFENSES - UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat
[ ]Playing audibly
[ ]Faking changes
[ ]Slapping
[ ]Missing lick, then mentioning vintage of bass
[ ]Excessive sweating
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo
[ ]Asking leader for a solo
[ ]Accepting solo when offered
[ ]Taking second chorus
[ ]Playing solo arco
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune

MINOR OFFENSES - ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill
[ ]Playing with a pick
[ ]Tuning during ballad
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord
[ ]Long gliss down to final note

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap
[ ]Using electric tuner
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case"
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass - FINE per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass - FINE per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass
[ ]Bringing fretless bass

MAJOR OFFENSES

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break
[ ]Quoting "Birdland"
[ ]Practicing scales during break
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo
[ ]Practicing
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..."
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing"

CRIMINAL OFFENSES

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?"
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!"
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's

Musician Humor

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So the bassist would have a place to put his glass.

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3. The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Wanna buy a frog?

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender thought about it and agreed. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny rat and a tiny piano. The rat stretched, cracked his knuckles and began playing the blues.

After the man finished his drink he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

Thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first he agreed. He reached into another pocket and pulled out a small bullfrog and the frog started singing while the rat played.

While the man was enjoying his beverages a stranger offered him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"No," the man replied, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increased the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

"No," he insisted, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increased the offer to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agreed and turned the frog over to the stranger for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Powered by ScribeFire.

Exercise

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Pets

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing. He might just be in a coma."

The vet rolled his eyes and left the room, returning a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 per cent certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$350!" she cried. "$350 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40, but what with the lab report and the cat scan-"

One more...

A man goes into a bar with his little Jack Russell terrier. He puts the dog on the bar stool next to him. The bartender wanders over and the man says, "I'll have a pot thanks, mate." The dog says, "I'll have the same."

The bartender does a double- take and looks over to the dog and asks, "Did you just talk?"

"Yep," says the dog. "My God! That's incredible. This is unreal. Who would have thought? A talking dog! Right here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog."

The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner.

"Yeah, you could say it's been a journey. I trained for a while with the US Marines. Saw a bit of action in Iraq - can't tell you more. I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I've written a few best-selling novels in my spare time. That was good fun. Of course, there have been film offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song. All that."

The bartender is now purple with excitement. He turns to the man. "We could make a fortune. We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk. How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?"

"About $10." the man replies.

"Why only $10 - that's madness!" exclaims the bartender.

The man answers, "He's a liar. He hasn't done half those things."

Newcomer to Court

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Meeting Invitation

A woman was telling a friend about my enrollment in a weight-loss program and how excited she was about the meetings.

"Sounds great," she said. "I'm almost tempted to join too."

"Well, next time I go," I replied, "I'll take you along."

"Okay," my friend responded, and then she asked, "Do they serve refreshments?"

Computer Problem

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I asked, “So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

Knowing I’d appear stupid I asked anyway. “An ID ten T Error? What's that?”

Harold grinned, “Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

”No, I haven’t!”

”Write it down. I think you'll figure it out.”

So I did.

I D

1 0

T

ID 10 T

I used to like Harold.

Chicken Farming

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

Powered by ScribeFire.