Sunday Church Signs and Bulletins

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning:
“Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Shrewd Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE

Palindromes!

A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!

A nut for a jar of tuna.

Zeus sees Suez.

Knits stink!

Dad, alas, a salad ad!

War-distended nets I draw.

Ed aced a decade!

Pa stole macadamia nut, tuna. I'm Ada, Camelot sap

The Eloquence of Shakespear

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Great Quotes

I envy University Professors. They are paid to question people who know nothing but try very hard to say something, while I have to question people who know everything but do their utmost to say nothing at all.
Piercamillo Davigo, Italian Judge investigating corrupt politicians

It is not who votes that counts, but who counts the votes.
Josif Stalin

Married men live longer than single men, but they are a lot more willing to die.
Unknown

The reason why people appear bright until you hear them speak is that light travels faster than sound.
Unknown

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Milton Berle

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Billy Wilder

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made. Groucho Marx

In the Work Place

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

_______________________________________________

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."

The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

Bass Player Offenses

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MINOR OFFENSES - ALL PLAYERS

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb
[ ]Playing written-out walking line
[ ]Failure to play written walking line
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo
[ ]Blacking out during ballad
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo
[ ]Following drummer's tempo
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me

MINOR OFFENSES - UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat
[ ]Playing audibly
[ ]Faking changes
[ ]Slapping
[ ]Missing lick, then mentioning vintage of bass
[ ]Excessive sweating
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo
[ ]Asking leader for a solo
[ ]Accepting solo when offered
[ ]Taking second chorus
[ ]Playing solo arco
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune

MINOR OFFENSES - ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill
[ ]Playing with a pick
[ ]Tuning during ballad
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord
[ ]Long gliss down to final note

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap
[ ]Using electric tuner
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case"
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass - FINE per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass - FINE per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass
[ ]Bringing fretless bass

MAJOR OFFENSES

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break
[ ]Quoting "Birdland"
[ ]Practicing scales during break
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo
[ ]Practicing
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..."
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing"

CRIMINAL OFFENSES

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?"
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!"
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's

Musician Humor

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So the bassist would have a place to put his glass.

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3. The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.