In the Work Place

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

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When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."

The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

Bass Player Offenses

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MINOR OFFENSES - ALL PLAYERS

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb
[ ]Playing written-out walking line
[ ]Failure to play written walking line
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo
[ ]Blacking out during ballad
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo
[ ]Following drummer's tempo
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me

MINOR OFFENSES - UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat
[ ]Playing audibly
[ ]Faking changes
[ ]Slapping
[ ]Missing lick, then mentioning vintage of bass
[ ]Excessive sweating
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo
[ ]Asking leader for a solo
[ ]Accepting solo when offered
[ ]Taking second chorus
[ ]Playing solo arco
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune

MINOR OFFENSES - ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill
[ ]Playing with a pick
[ ]Tuning during ballad
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord
[ ]Long gliss down to final note

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap
[ ]Using electric tuner
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case"
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass - FINE per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass - FINE per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass
[ ]Bringing fretless bass

MAJOR OFFENSES

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break
[ ]Quoting "Birdland"
[ ]Practicing scales during break
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo
[ ]Practicing
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..."
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing"

CRIMINAL OFFENSES

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?"
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!"
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's

Musician Humor

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So the bassist would have a place to put his glass.

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3. The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Wanna buy a frog?

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender thought about it and agreed. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny rat and a tiny piano. The rat stretched, cracked his knuckles and began playing the blues.

After the man finished his drink he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

Thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first he agreed. He reached into another pocket and pulled out a small bullfrog and the frog started singing while the rat played.

While the man was enjoying his beverages a stranger offered him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"No," the man replied, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increased the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

"No," he insisted, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increased the offer to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agreed and turned the frog over to the stranger for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

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Exercise

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Pets

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing. He might just be in a coma."

The vet rolled his eyes and left the room, returning a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 per cent certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$350!" she cried. "$350 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40, but what with the lab report and the cat scan-"

One more...

A man goes into a bar with his little Jack Russell terrier. He puts the dog on the bar stool next to him. The bartender wanders over and the man says, "I'll have a pot thanks, mate." The dog says, "I'll have the same."

The bartender does a double- take and looks over to the dog and asks, "Did you just talk?"

"Yep," says the dog. "My God! That's incredible. This is unreal. Who would have thought? A talking dog! Right here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog."

The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner.

"Yeah, you could say it's been a journey. I trained for a while with the US Marines. Saw a bit of action in Iraq - can't tell you more. I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I've written a few best-selling novels in my spare time. That was good fun. Of course, there have been film offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song. All that."

The bartender is now purple with excitement. He turns to the man. "We could make a fortune. We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk. How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?"

"About $10." the man replies.

"Why only $10 - that's madness!" exclaims the bartender.

The man answers, "He's a liar. He hasn't done half those things."

Newcomer to Court

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"