One Liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

You might be a Redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minute Maid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned
that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule. When weeding, the best way to make
sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant
is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it
is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there?
I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car
ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Riddles

What is brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
"Unique" up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
"Tame" way.

What do you call a defective boomerang?
A stick.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH.

What do you call a deer with no eye?
No ideer.

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than
the other?
There are more geese on that side.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.

Why does Tigger smell bad?
He's always playing with pooh.

What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job?
They needed a guy of better caliber.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?
Three pieces of alligator.

What has four legs and is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
A pool table.

Palindrones

Pals slap

Racecar

Radar

Rat-star

So I dare to Ned, Denote radios

A Danish custard--drat such sin, Ada

Sunday Church Signs and Bulletins

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning:
“Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Shrewd Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...

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