Prescription?

A lady went into the pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, "I want to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! Murder's against the law! I'd lose my license! They'd throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! I will not sell you cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband entering a motel room with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Shopping

Bags
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.   As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer.   "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

*******

Last One
A New Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time.   She dressed her in pink from head to toe.   At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.   At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them.   The child was crying and begging for some special treat.   He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.   Then she heard his mother's reply.   "No!" she said, looking in her direction.   "You may not have a baby sister today.   That lady got the last one!"

Turkey Jokes ... belated

They may be late but they're funny. Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving!

Q. What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A. If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Q. What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?
A. The Butter Ball

Q. How does a Turkey drink her wine?
A. In a gobble-let

Q. Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A. The outside!

Q. What is the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner?
A. The tur-key!

Q. How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
A. I'll tell you at Christmas.

* * * * * * *
The Turkey
The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
And partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
It totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
There wasn't a way I could stop it,
That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.
* * * * * * *

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up! I'm starvin’!!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Sid.
Sid who?
Sid down. It's time to eat!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Phillip.
Phillip who?
Phillip a big plate and dig in!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Phyllis.
Phyllis who?
Phyllis plate up too!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita nother napkin.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Alma.
Alma who?
Alma dinner's gone. May I have dessert?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda piece of pecan pie?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!

* * * * * * *

Frozen Turkeys
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know."

"So, why did you come in here?"

"The light was on..."

Arriving home very drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

*            *            *            *            *            *          

Q: What do you call a pickle you buy at a great price?
A: A sweet Dill!

Q: Should you ever eat pickles on an empty stomach?
A: Yes, but it's better to eat 'em off a plate!

Q: What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and green?
A: Three zebras fighting over a pickle!

Q: What's purple and goes slam slam?
A: A foreign sports plum.

Q: What's green and wears a mask?
A: The Lone Pickle!

Q: What is purple and swims in the sea?
A: Moby Grape!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A: An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Q: How do you know that a banjo player invented the tooth brush?
A: If anyone else had invented it, it would be called a teeth brush.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Jim and Edna

Thanks to Angela for this one. It's really funny.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

Pickles and Stupid Questions

Q: What is the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
A: If you don't know you should stop talking to your pickle!

Q. Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
A. Because it was in a pickle!

Q: What do you call a pickle who is a bad loser?
A: A sour pickle!

Q. What is green and dangerous?
A. A thundering herd of pickles!

Q. What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A. A trop-pickle fish!

Q: What do you call a frozen pickle hanging from the roof?
A: An Icepickle!

Q. What is green and pecks on trees?
A. Woody Wood Pickle!

Stupid Questions
These supposedly appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune and are
from court transcripts.

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

A Duck

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender tells the ducks that his bar doesn't serve grapes.
The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.
The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck, very nervously thanks him and leaves.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartenders says, “no.”
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

Elephant Jokes and Other Silliness

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
A. Open door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
A: Open door and remove elephant.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A: An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q: What's green and sings rock and roll?
A: Elvis Parsley.

Q: What's red and white and goes pockety pockety BANG pockety BANG pockety pockety pockety sputter sputter BANGITY BANGITY BANG BANG sputter pockety POP POW pockety ockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety pockety
A: An outboard raddish.

Q: What's the difference between a pickle and an elephant?
A: Elephants are grey.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A sunburned zebra.

Q: What's black & white & black & white & black & white & black & white & blue?
A: A zebra falling down stairs.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.